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Rod Allen
City Views

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Speak Up

Being of blindingly brilliant mind and a body so sound it (in my studied opinion) makes Mike Phelps look like Mike Duffy after a close encounter with the Morton Pub on Wing Night, I hereby bequeath both to you today, you huddled masses of Metro, you tired, you pooped, you overtaxed and underdeveloped milquetoasts, toward the solution of all our problems in one fell swoop.

Witness: all you poor, pitiful Metro-Gnomes paying through the nose for auto insurance not, as we are enlightened in Tuesday’s Forum Page, because we are victimized by a greedy and opportunistic insurance industry but by our own horrible driving habits.

Witness: Little chance of improvement in that regard because our Mounties are just too darn busy to patrol the streets, overburdened and undermanned as they are in the matter of mustering up all them deep thoughts about maybe having to fight possible future money-laundering at that wicked new casino coming to our little town.

Witness: Monctonians joining all other Canadians in flabbergastation as we gather before the television each night, beer in one hand and giant Costco chip-bag in the other, watching in stun wonder as Canada marches to gold, but only in events like washer-toss and ballroom dancing.

Now considered together all these revolting developments might seem insurmountable but, like I said, I’m a genius and just as good as any Mountie when it comes to deep thoughts.

First, Moncton Mayor George LeBlanc must pass a universal conscription bylaw and draft every single citizen; that is to say every single citizen who doesn’t own a car, into the local Crime Stoppers program.

Draftees henceforth shall be obliged to patrol the streets 24-7, running as fast as they can in order to keep up with the traffic so they can spot motorists talking on their cell phones, watching the Olympics on their laptop TVs or catching a little shut-eye.

The Mounties are too darn busy to levy any fines, so Mayor George will have to impose another bylaw, this one borrowing a page from the almost-as-brilliant brains of our federal bureaucrats.

Currently Ottawa is considering the idea of garnisheeing the $6.90 daily wage paid federal prison inmates to support “victims of crime.”

Now I suppose those victims of crime will include those same inmates since, presumably, they haven’t committed any fresh crimes while in prison but will be robbed of their lunch money anyway, but . . . um, as victims of crime, will be compensated from their own garnisheed wages.

This seems to me an elegant solution in which everybody walks away happy, and the same will happen right here in Moncton after just a few short months of garnisheeing the wages of our bad drivers, which according to the Insurance Bureau of Canada’s actuarial tables is every single driver in the city.

In jig time, no one will be able to afford a car.

Say goodbye to bad drivers, and hello to excellent insurance rates.

Needless to say, all that running around by our Crime Stoppers draftees will also see them in excellent physical condition.

Summer Olympics of 2012, watch out for Canada and especially for Moncton.

So there you have it, folks.

Moncton wins gold, Mounties relieving themselves of all duties expect for pondering that wicked casino, fabulous insurance rates and as an added bonus, no more global warming.

We’ll still be able to drive to Nova Scotia after all, if only we had cars.

n City Views appears daily, written by various members of our staff. Rod Allen is an assistant managing editor with The Times & Transcript. His column appears every Thursday.