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speakup

I know that everyone hates being sick, however I doubt that anyone hates it more than me. Seriously . . . I'm not a good patient. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I'd be quietly euthanized if I ever found myself in the hospital.

I especially hate it when the flu or a bad cold hits you out of nowhere. You know the kind. One minute, you're fit as a fiddle; the next, you're looking through the telephone book for a funeral home that does pre-emptive pick-ups. "Just come get me now. I probably won't live through the night, considering the way I feel right now."

I hope my casket is nice. It's important to be laid out in something half-decent, at least, considering the amount of time you'll be spending in your new abode. Try eternity, huh? Good reason to pick out one that you like. And unlike houses, you don't have to worry about resale value unless your family is exceptionally cheap and wants to double-up on occupancy as relatives start dropping off. With my luck, I'd end up spending eternity with flatulent Uncle Bert.

As I write this column, I think I'm getting sick. I was fine one minute earlier in the day, and now I'm feeling like things are going downhill fast. I'm stuffed up, my eyes are glassy and I'm starting to feel generally yucky. (Not exactly a term you'll find in the medical books, but something that everyone can understand.)

Last year, I managed to avoid getting sick all winter. Eventually, however, I did catch a nasty cold -- in July! I mean, seriously, who gets a cold in July? Well . . . me! It was a bad one, too. Canada Day was spent sneezing, blowing my nose and generally being ill. Had I gone for a stroll through the palliative care wing, I firmly believe that the patients there would have taken pity on me and offered their morphine to make me more comfortable in my "dying days". I was pitiful, I tell ya.

You see, I don't just get sick. I get paranoid, too. "What if this stuffed-up nose and sore throat are just symptoms of something much worse? What if they never go away? Maybe I'll be sick forever. I'm never going to feel better!"

So, as I sit here at my computer once again composing a column, I greatly fear that another one of those "biggie" colds has arrived. Luckily, however, I've found the combination of over-the-counter medications that works wonders for me. In fact, it's so good that I don't even feel like I have a cold when I take the stuff. Unfortunately, the dose I take could likely be qualified as semi-lethal. That would explain the hate mail from my liver lying on my pillow when I wake up the morning after taking such a concoction.

I should take my own advice -- the advice I give whenever I see someone else doing something really dumb like that: "Don't come crying to me if you wake up dead tomorrow."

Well, I'm willing to take my chances if it relieves the symptoms, which it usually does. Of course, I'm probably also taking enough to cure the colds of everyone living in a 10-kilometre radius, too, but as long as it makes me functional again, I don't really care. Colds don't normally wait for a convenient time to hit. They usually only strike when the timing couldn't be worse. Since I really don't have time to be sick these days, I fully intend on beating this little annoyance of a cold that seems to be taking hold.

I'll pop the vitamins, a bunch of the cold-busting medications that are out on the market now and various other so-called miracle drugs that claim they will stop this cold dead in its tracks. I'm in charge here, buster, so I have to put my foot down and not let it through the door.

Sorry, Mr. Cold, I have other plans. You just turn that feverish, stuffed-up, miserable little behind of yours around and march right out the door back to where you came from. I've got places to go, people to see, meetings to have and columns to right. You were not invited and I just don't have time for your sneezin' shenanigans.

There's a school of thought that believes simply willing illness away will work. I believe that, actually. I often just refuse to get sick. If I'm too busy, I can talk myself out of it, usually. I believe that this is one of those times. Because I just have too many things on the go right now to worry about getting sick, I just refuse to. Through a combination of positive thinking and medicating myself into oblivion, I usually get to feeling better in no time -- likely due to the brain cells I'm killing.

Of course, there are times when that certain cold or flu just grabs hold and won't let go. You cough so hard that you see stars. Your ears are plugged up so tight that you wonder what it was like to hear normally. Your nose is so stuffed up that you fear getting kidnapped and having your mouth taped shut because you'll surely suffocate. And you sneeze so loudly that zebras drinking out of rivers in Africa raise their heads from the water to see what all the fuss is about.

But rest assured, dear friends, this will not be one of those times. I can already feel myself getting better. My liver is complaining. I've made multiple trips to several pharmacies buying them out of cold medication, enough to send me into a stupor so deep that I will forget my own name and likely even what species I am.

Nope. This cold will not be allowed to take hold. I will beat this thing. Cough . . . I will . . . Sneeze . . . I swear . . . Cough . . .

n Brian Cormier is a writer and communications consultant. His column appears on this page every Wednesday. He may be contacted by e-mail at brian@briancormier.com or visit his blog at www.briancormier.com