Let's bulldoze The Rocks next
Published Thursday November 5th, 2009
Dear Mr. Graham,
It has come to our attention that you plan to hire several PR firms to win back the hearts and minds of New Brunswickers disturbed by the sale of NB Power to Hydro-Quebec. We at Foolem Gougem & Bankit Communications heartily applaud your perspicuity with respect to "opinion management." In fact, our research clearly indicates that marketers are among the most respected professionals in the country.
Still, a campaign of this size and complexity requires a special touch, and we would be remiss if we did not provide, for your consideration, some information about our own suite of unique skills.
You may recall a few of our more successful programs. There was, for example, our "Sell Ice to the Inuit" campaign in which we exploited global warming to leverage consumer interest above the 60th parallel in seal-flavoured frozen treats. More recently, we employed a similar tactic (this time suggesting that the world's equatorial regions could soon be under a metre of snow thanks to climate change) to spark a run on studded, steel-belted radials in Rio de Janeiro.
In all cases like these, the key is: deflection, dissembling, and disingenuousness. These are, of course, the three legs of the marketing communications stool. Indeed, people will believe anything when they are sufficiently terrified, which brings us to the current dilemma in New Brunswick.
With all due respect, Mr. Premier, we believe that your current circumstances call for stronger medicine than traditional advertising agencies and PR firms can typically dispense. At this delicate juncture, it is crucial that you -- not to blunt the point -- scare the living . . . er, substance out of your fellow citizens. This will distract them from their opposition to the NB Power sale, thus providing you with enough time to seal the deal with Hydro Quebec unopposed.
The only question is how.
Allow us to help.
Have you considered the Flower Pot Rocks? Specifically, have you considered bulldozing them to make room for real flower pots? Imagine millions of daisies, dahlias, Rudbeckia, and Echinacea waving as gentle tidal breezes waft amidst their 30-tonne, steel-reinforced cisterns.
What about the Bay of Fundy, itself? Does anyone really care that it is home to the highest tides in the world? Honestly, what has it done for us lately? Why not excavate the Acadian Peninsula and ship the fill to the mouth of the Petitcodiac River? It might produce a lovely lake and a causeway to boot.
As for the disenfranchised, northern Acadians, give them all summer, tour-guide jobs in Moncton, Fredericton and Saint John. Have them pull out their fiddles and step-dancing shoes. Throw in a few organ grinders and monkeys and . . . hey, presto: you've got yourself a bona fide tourism bonanza. Just relish the potential revenue from rich Americans willing to pay a premium to see Edith Butler trilling at the corner of Main and Vaughan Harvey.
But, really, why stop there when there are so many icebergs to tip?
Saint John, like life, is messy; so clean it up by selling to the Chinese. After all, a city is only as valuable as its contribution to provincial GDP. And no one knows more about productivity, these days, than a bunch of rich Communists.
Likewise, Fredericton is boring. So lease it to the Indians. At least, they know how to prepare a meal, arrange a marriage, and manufacture hundreds of Bollywood movies, involving gay bachelors and virgin ingénues, each and every year.
As for Moncton . . . well, it's just fine the way it is.
My point, Mr. Premier, is that the catch basin of your citizens' fear is so deep, you can get away with suggesting practically anything -- as long as it's irrational.
Never mention, again, that the deal with Hydro-Quebec guarantees the best residential rate structure in 10 years. Never again suggest that the NB Power sale will eliminate 40 per cent of the province's debt in one fell swoop. Never again confirm that both parties are subject to the laws of Canada and the regulatory regimes of New Brunswick and Quebec, which are enshrined in the nation's constitution and defended by three levels of jurisprudence.
No, go for the gut, raise some hackles, deflect and dissemble. Threaten to sell off the province piece by piece just to pay for the mistakes of the past. Then watch as the peasants embrace the Hydro-Quebec deal as the next, best thing to homelessness.
Trust us. As we are among the most respected professionals in Canada, we know about these things.
Yours sincerely,
Ima Pinhead (BS)
Vice-President,
FGB Communications
* Alec Bruce is a Moncton-based journalist. His column appears in this space every Tuesday and Thursday. He can be reached via www.thebrucereport.com
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Comments (6)
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Some good points here, and elsewhere, made all the more poignant by having a tongue firmly planted in cheek.
1. Best residential rate structure for the next 5 years, then subject to the CPI increases and the cost of any new power generation costs required.
2. Eliminates 40% of the provincial debt, along with the approximately 5Billion in provincial revenue that more than pays for that debt.
3. The regulatory regime now in place will not have the power to regulate rates, as the residential rates will be tied to the CPI.
And under these laws and regulatory bodies our power bills have increase exponentially, what makes you think we won't continue to be gouged when the 5 years is up?
If big business can get a 30% drop in rates, so can we.
I'm surprised people haven't commented on Alex's comment: "Never again confirm that both parties are subject to the laws of Canada and the regulatory regimes of New Brunswick and Quebec, which are enshrined in the nation's constitution and defended by three levels of jurisprudence.
"
Last I recall the Province of Quebec is not a participatory signature to ".. our nation's constitution"!! Also under jurisprudence, exactly which form of jurisprudence will the 'legal' aspects of this "sell off" fall. Quebec and NB use to different 'forms' of legal - just another possible headache down the road!!
Thanks to Alex for such an evervesant article!! We needed something like that but it further amplifies this HQ-PNB sale is all wrong!!